Languages of Love

What are Love Languages?

Gary Chapman is the author of the #1 New York Times Bestselling book titled "The 5 Love Languages." There is a collection of different perspectives of this book, depending on the role within a relationship (ie. couples, singles, men, teenagers). Despite which book you choose to read, there are several large takeaways from his teachings. Those being that there are 5 distinct love languages, in which we communicate our love to each other, these are not fixed and can change throughout our lives, and we communicate the love language that we need to receive the most. Of course, not all of this is as black and white as it may seem and there is definitely some grey areas.

Different Languages of Love

1) Words of Affirmation

This love language addresses one's need for love through the use of words. Whether that be verbal communication or written notes, text messages or emails. People with this as their top love language feel the most love when others explain to them, in words, that they love them, why they love them and where they see their relationship going, for example. They also give this love language out to others by expressing their love, their appreciation and feelings towards them often.

2) Quality Time

This love language speaks to spending alone, intimate and true quality time with another person in which they love. The quantity does not have to be a dramatic period of time, but purposeful time that is scheduled to spend together with undivided attention is enough. For people with this top love language, they feel the most loved when others put time aside to spend with them, and an added bonus if the other person plans the time for them. They also make this effort to others that they love in order to show them their love.

3) Receiving Gifts

This love language is most often misunderstood and considered materialistic, when it is far from this. For people with this love language, they value love the most through the thought that is put into a gift given to them. It could be a surprise bouquet of flowers, a favourite chocolate bar from the gas station or even a gift that made the other person think of you. Most of the time it is unexpected and the meaning behind the gift is the most important part. They will spend time showing off these gifts to others as a way to speak highly of the person who gave it to them. People with this love language as their main, always ensure that there is purpose and meaning behind the gifts that they give to other people to express their love.

4) Acts of Service

This love language encompasses a variety of different tasks that can be completed to show love to another person. Examples of acts of service include cleaning the house, taking the trash out, filling the car with gas, offering to drive to a desired destination, making a cup of coffee, etc. The key to this love language is that these tasks are completed without the other person asking for them. For those with this love language as their top, they value others completing services for them that make their day easier or bring them joy or reduced stress. They also try to do this for other people who they love, even if it may seem as a normal responsibility or chore. The intent behind the act of service is always to ease another person and display an act of love.

5) Physical Touch

This love language is pretty self-explanatory, but can often be assumed to be all about intimate touch. A simple hug, hand holding, kiss on the forehead or cuddling is what speaks the most love for people with this main love language. They are also the people who often "make the first move" to show someone physical affection. A physical connection through touch, of any sort, is the most important in this love language. This one is also the most obvious and hard to miss - if another person expresses their love to you through touch, you will know. 

How to Use Love Languages

Unfortunately, without the awareness of these different languages of love, some people may believe that another person is not giving them love in general. When in fact, they are not giving the other person the love language that they need the most, to feel the most loved.

With this knowledge, we can all arrange these love languages in order of importance. This does not mean that we only perceive love in our top love language, but instead indicates that this is how we receive love the most. This is also how we communicate our love the most to others, in hopes that they reciprocate the action. The love languages are fluid, meaning that they can change over time, as we grow and evolve in the world. For the most part, your order of importance stays the same, but there is always a possibility of our style switching, especially in different relationships.

After reading this, I encourage you to reflect on what your top love language would be: how do you often give others love and how do you hope to receive it back? Is there something that you are always asking your partner/friend/family member for that they just cannot seem to give you, in terms of love? There is also several quizzes you can find online that help you determine the order of love languages for you personally.

As an example:

For those of you in intimate relationships with your partner, ask yourself: would it mean more to me to receive an "I love you" message, a planned date night with just yourself and your partner, an unexpected gift such as flowers or a treat from the store, your partner cleaning up the house without asking, or a long, tight hug. Now most of us would be happy with any one of these, and all relationships should include all of the love languages to a certain extent, but the hard part is determining what would mean the most to you?

I also encourage you to reflect on what others' top love language may be and ask yourself if you are fulfilling this need for them. Again, look at which love language they give to you the most and this is most likely their top one.

This blog mainly focused on intimate relationships with a love partner, but these teachings can be projected onto other relationships with family members or friends. Being aware of your love language needs and communicating them to others is a large component to positive connection within a relationship. Keep the love conversation going, through whatever love language speaks the most to you!