Disordered Eating Habits

*Full disclaimer that the following content can be triggering to some people. Reminder that everyone has a different experience and should not be compared to one another. Please seek medical attention and support immediately if you are suffering from any form of disordered eating habits. 

Umbrella Definition

Disordered eating is an umbrella term that accounts for several conditions relating to the relationship we have with food and our bodies. It is a generic simplification that is unique to each individual because it can encompass a variety of different conditions with varying details included or not. It mostly speaks to a disordered eating pattern or eating habits for a purpose relating to body image. It can vary from mild and sometimes unrecognized, to severe and in need of immediate medical treatment. 

In the medical community, we have seen a dramatic increase in disordered eating habits, mostly because of social media influences. Not only are filters and photo editing destroying our definitions of beauty, but being exposed to the on demand swipe through of others' lives, including what they are eating and drinking, is very detrimental to our perception of our own lives. We see others posting about their constant "healthy" eating habits, what they eat in a day or them indulging in social drinking and it can bring up an immense amount of emotion when we reflect and compare our eating habits. We feel guilty that we are not as organized and colourful with our food plates. We feel pressure to make more time to cook every single meal for ourselves. We feel embarrassed when we decide to order take-out. We feel jealous that they can indulge and we feel like we cannot. Unfortunately, rarely do we feel inspired and motivated by these posts (and I applaud you if you are one of those people who do not get any negative feelings about this type of stuff).

My Personal Story

My disordered eating habits began when I was completing my undergraduate degree. This is when I started to become very obsessed with counting calories on a fitness app. All I was concerned about at this point in time was eating less calories, so I made it my goal to never "over-indulge." I was not as educated as I am now on this topic, so I was eating in a deficit for more than a year and noticing dramatic negative changes to my body and health. I would bring spinach salad to school for my lunch and my friends would question how that was a lunch...it was just spinach, cucumbers, olive oil and balsamic vinaigrette, with the occasional handful of nuts. I sometimes indulged in foods that "I wasn't supposed to be eating" and I either did not track it at all, then felt extremely guilty for it, or tracked it and noticed that it brought me to my maximum caloric intake so then I would not eat for the rest of the day. I can still remember how it felt to be hungry. I would go to bed hungry and wake up still being hungry, but then felt nauseated by the thought of food.

I re-evaluated my goals and my new focus was on my protein intake. It was ALL about protein. I had to have a decent amount of protein with every single meal to reach my goal. Because I was not a big meat eater at the time, protein powder became a STAPLE in my diet. I mixed protein powder into my oatmeal for breakfast, had a shake (and sometimes two) for lunch and anytime I wanted a sweet treat, it had protein powder baked in. On top of this, my top protein foods were eggs and egg whites, chicken, ground turkey and anything that was processed and modified to include more protein (ie. protein tortilla wraps, protein bars, protein energy balls, etc.). For the most part, this was all I ate, in various forms and tried to cook differently to not get bored of the same food. But I restricted myself from a lot of other healthy choices not knowing the consequences. I also missed out on having a birthday cake for a few years and instead made myself eat a protein cheesecake or protein cookies.

This was all on-top of the body dysmorphia that I was experiencing. I thought that I wanted to lose fat and gain muscle to look good, I wanted to decrease my hip size and flatten my stomach. I was born with wider (child-bearing) hips and a natural uterus curve on my stomach, but I wanted to change this because I was made to think that those features were not normal or attractive. I was exercising every single day, barely any rest days and pushing myself to my limit more than I should have. I was engaging in physical activity in an environment that did not challenge me to grow and excel at my own pace, but instead felt like a constant competition to be the best, look the best and lift the heaviest weight possible. I developed a sacrifice attitude, one that made me exercise extra long or hard to make up for the eating patterns I engaged in. I was branded to be a role model, but I did not want others to follow in my footsteps if this was the path it took.

Missing Out

Throughout these years, I missed out on a lot of life experiences because of the relationship I had with food and my body. I forgot about the importance of whole, fresh foods, fruits and vegetables. I ignored the way dairy impacted my gut and skin health. I preached intuitive eating, when I was doing the complete opposite of this and ignoring my gut symptoms and hunger cues. I missed celebratory events because I did not want to indulge in "that type of food." Or I brought my own food to these outings and boy was that embarrassing, shameful and plain-right rude. I put aside the importance of social gatherings, sharing food and drink and the value in these connections. 

I was not as educated as I am now and did not have enough life experience to recognize that what I was doing was not okay. Despite my close friends and family members trying to bring it up, I did not realize how much I was suffering until I was able to break out of those programmed thoughts and view food from a different lens. Currently, I am actively recovering from all of this trauma and reprogramming my brain. I invested in an extensive food sensitivity test and all of the above foods discussed as my previous staple foods are now my most sensitive foods that my body reacts negatively to. I have re-evaluated my goals and that is to engage in enjoyable exercise, eat foods that make me feel good and maintain a healthy body weight and image in hopes of one day being able to carry and birth a child and keep up with my busy, active lifestyle.

I take full responsibility for the development of my own beliefs and actions, but I do place full blame on the environment that I was surrounded by. I believed that I wanted to look a certain way and this is what it was going to take to get there. It was an "all-or-nothing" approach, a very intense and extreme view to health, that was very detrimental to myself and others around me. I definitely recognized, many times, that this was not okay and could become very dangerous, but my mind was programmed to think this way and I did not know how to change it. I was brainwashed to believe that this is what living a "healthy" life looked like and I projected that onto others, which I am deeply sorry for, especially those who also developed a negative relationship with food and/or their bodies.

Not for Everyone

I understand that some people have different goals and a more regimented approach to reaching those goals and I am in full support of that. Especially when it comes to certain health conditions and preventative strategies. What I am not in full support of is body or food shaming and projecting your intense approach onto other people. We all have different body compositions and gut health, that makes it very difficult for a "one-size-fits-all" attitude. If it works for you, then great, but if it does not feel right or sustainable as a lifestyle, then a different approach is required.

This is a very summarized version of the many years and challenges I underwent when it came to food and my body. I could write 100 more blog posts about certain experiences and traumatic encounters I have had, but mostly this was to bring awareness to the subject of disordered eating habits and help others relate if they are struggling too. Counting calories can be a dangerous slope and it is very easy to fall into a negative relationship with this type of approach to nutrition. I always encourage others to find a realistic approach to reach your goals and have a healthy support system and health practitioner guiding you in the right direction.

I practice what I preach and I am a very realistic person. I develop treatment plans for my patients that are individualized to them and that they agree is attainable to implement into their daily lives. At any point, we can make necessary changes to accommodate for the things that life throws their way. I have also worked with several individuals with disordered eating habits and supported them on their journeys. You are not alone in this process. Reach out, seek support and help, there is better ways of enjoying your food.